"madhatter's Joke Of The Day"

[MyHeartsMyFlowers]

WHAT YOU DOING IN MEN'S TOILET????
I like to have seen that ---good trick that "standing up to a men's urinal)

LOL! So you've seen 'The Full Monty' too then?

BTW (I mean the film...)

[madhatter1]

LOL! So you've seen 'The Full Monty' too then?

BTW (I mean the film...)

"How's that then no hand's"

[madhatter1]

The Baptism
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[MyHeartsMyFlowers]

Loved that one!

[madhatter1]

Great Truths About Life That Kids Know
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

[MyHeartsMyFlowers]

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was, "Yes, we use it when we have sex."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question
because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose - but I know that most people really use it for sex, they just don't like to say so.

Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

(That's not what YOU thought she was going to say was it? LOL!)

[madhatter1]

Both Ends
"I'm worried about you always being at the bottom of your class," said the father to his son.

"Don't worry Dad," he replied. "They still teach the same thing at both ends."

Peer pressure
A reporter interviewed a 104-year-old man.

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

"No peer pressure," he replied.

Cliche Turned Back "I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work," the son protested to his father.

"Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least at your age."

"Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!"

[madhatter1]

Glass Half-Empty

Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey my friend, how come you look like the whole world has caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me 50-thousand dollars."

"That's not bad at all...!"

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me 95-thousand, tax-free to boot."

"Well, that's great! I'd like that."

"Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million."

"So why are so glum?"

"This week - nothing!"

[madhatter1]

bump


"ouch!!"

[MyHeartsMyFlowers]

Certainly need a good laugh tonight - going to bed early with a headache!

Here's one before I go (I'm Scots so I can get away with this one!)-

Two Scots, Ian and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Ian's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Ian.

"I've got everything organized already: The flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..."

Jimmy nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Ian.

"A Kilt?" exclaims Jimmy, "That's braw; you'll look pure smart
in that!

"And what's the tartan?" Jimmy then enquires.

"Och," says Ian, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

Good night!