"madhatter's Joke Of The Day"

[MyHeartsMyFlowers]

#24 my favourite so far - this made me laugh out loud (sorry if you've heard it before)

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World......"

Still laughing now...

[stitchysyl]

How to confuse Paddy....

• put him in a barrel and tell him to stand in the corner.

• give him three shovels and tell him to take his pick

[madhatter1]

The Bible Salesman A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

[madhatter1]

More Oxymorons - Alone together
- Small crowd
- Business ethics
- Soft rock
- Butt Head
- Military Intelligence
- Sweet sorrow
- Rural Metro (ambulance service)
- "Now, then ..."
- Passive aggression
- Clearly misunderstood
- Peace force

[madhatter1]

MARATHON SESSION COMING UP AS IT'S SATERDAY

[madhatter1]

Reasons It's Great to be A Guy - Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- Movie nudity is virtually always female.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Monday Night Football.
- You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don't give you guff if you've lost or gained weight.
- Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
- When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
- Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.
- All your orgasms are real.
- A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
- Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. - You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
- You understand why Stripes is funny.
- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
- When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
- You can kill your own food.
- The garage is all yours.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
NOW THE ADVERTS

[madhatter1]

More Reasons It's Great to be A Guy - You never have to clean the toilet.
- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
- Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
- Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
- The National College Cheerleading Championship.
- None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
- If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
- You can write your name in the snow.
- You can get into a nontrivial peeing contest.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be president.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
- Flowers fix everything.
- Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
- You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
- You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
- You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
- You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

[madhatter1]

Still More Reasons It's Great to be A Guy - Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
- Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
- You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't give a rat's butt if someone notices your new haircut.
- You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
- The world is your urinal.
- You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
- You get to jump up and slap stuff.
- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
- One mood, all the time.
- You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just to skeevy.
- You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
- You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
- Same work....more pay.
- Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
- You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
- You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
- With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
- You don't mooch off others' desserts.
- Foreplay is optional.

[madhatter1]

UNLESS YOU KNOW DIFFERENTLY?

[MyHeartsMyFlowers]

A guy is driving through the countryside and suddenly develops car trouble. The highway is rather deserted, and having no other choice, he pulls his car over. Fortunately, he spies a farmhouse a little ways up and walks there in hope of using a phone to call for help.

At the house, a farmer answers the door, and hearing the man's plight, welcomes him in to use the phone. While the man is on the phone calling a towing service, he notices something odd in the farmer's backyard: a pig with a wooden leg.

Waiting for the tow truck, the two strike up a conversation. The man can't help his curiosity and asks the farmer, "Was that a pig with a wooden leg I saw in your yard?"
"Sure was," the farmer replies. The man says, "I have to know, why does the pig have a wooden leg?"

"Well, that's a very special pig," the farmer says. "One day, I tripped and sprained my ankle near the highway. That pig pulled me from harm's way and went to the house, got my wife, and let her know I was in trouble."

"Wow," the man said. "I don't know of many dogs that could do that. That is a special pig. But, please tell me, why does the pig have a wooden leg?"

"Well, as I was saying," the farmer replied, "that's a very special pig. One day me and the wife were asleep in bed when the house caught on fire. That pig ran upstairs, jumped on the bed, woke the both of us up, and sure as I'm talking to you today, saved our lives."

"I understand that pig is very special," the man says, getting a little frustrated, "But, please tell me. Why does the pig have a wooden leg?"

"Well," the farmer replies, "a pig as special as that, you















wait for it......































wouldn't want to eat him all at once now, would you?"

I'm a vegetarian ;D;D